Tuesday, January 20, 2009

this dance sucks

So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted. It's mostly been okay, although I can tell that his depression is worse. I think maybe it has to do with not getting out much, either. He hasn't been very snappy, though. He's just been quiet.

Until yesterday. I could tell things were building up inside of him, and things came to a head last night again. We've danced this dance so many times I can tell you the steps without thinking. He blew up about me disagreeing with him about something he said to one of the kids--totally out of proportion, and flips out. Actually I disagreed with how he said it to her. Anytime I do that it causes a crisis. I think his self-esteem is so low that any little bit of criticism sends him into a tailspin. Last night he said he was sick of me and sick of her, and that he wanted a divorce.

Then he spent the next hour when I was trying to get to bed venting about our relationship. Then at the end, he apologized and said he said all of that out of desperation and not because he meant it. I didn't respond to any of it because I wanted to get some sleep so I could get up for work in the morning. He gets frustrated because I don't respond.

It's such a dilemma. If I tell him how I'm feeling, we get into a big argument because he interprets it as criticism, even when I remember to use my "I" statements. If I don't tell him how I'm feeling, then he interprets it to mean that I don't care about him or his feelings. When I do say my piece, he acknowledges it later, but then the cycle begins again, and we do the entire dance. AGAIN. I'm tired of dancing. I want to sleep.