Tuesday, December 30, 2008

IED: Disorder or Disregard?

I really think my husband suffers from Intermittent Explosive Disorder. There are so many incidents that have happened in our life that fit this perfectly. The road rage. The lashing out at people. The fits of temper. The remorse afterwards. The sweetness.

On the other hand, it's like I'm reading from the classic description of spousal abuse. The honeymoon stage. The "I'll never do that again." The "I'm such a loser." But then a slight edge of anger when I don't immediately jump all over his apology and leap right back into the black hole of our relationship. "What's your problem? Are you going to have an attitude the rest of the day [weekend]?

I was reading notes from an HR person discussing the responsibilities of an employer if an employee with IED requests accommodations, which doesn't seem to happen very often at all, by the way.

The article said, "As a general rule, any employee requesting accommodation should be taken seriously. But as you read the profiles of those most likely to suffer from "intermittant explosive disorder," you conclude that they will rarely request any such accommodation. They are often narcissistic. They tend to blame others for their problems. They avoid responsibility for their actions. And their remorse, while often acute, does not prevent them from repeating bad behaviors in the future. It is comparable to the husband who gets drunk, beats his wife, and then assures her it will never happen again. My advice to wives in that situation is get out immediately and don't look back."

Is that the answer? Leave and don't look back? I've done that in one relationship already, and I SO didn't want that to be my answer. I wanted to get it right this time.

But here's another quote that is sobering:

My son suffered from this disorder for years. When the anger welled up in him we all just tried to stay away from him until it was over. He would break things, threaten us, and then it would be over and he would feel sorry for what he did. On Jan 6, 2008, during one of his anger outbursts, he put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. We are still crying.

Posted by T Sayles (email) on 2/23/2008


Sometimes he says that he thinks about doing this. He talked to his doctor about his depression, and she offered antidepressants. He's still thinking about it. He's not sure if he's willing to take them.

I do not want to be the enabling wife who loses herself trying to make her husband take care of himself. Neither do I want to be a widow or a wife of a prison inmate. Where is the middle ground?

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