more thoughts on dying

I thought about what I wrote all night. Waiting for him to die. That sounds so horrible. But sometimes it seems like the only way out of my situation.

He's in so much pain. And he is so unhappy. And I don't know how to make it better. And it's killing me inside.

I just want us to have a good life together. But I'm starting to give up on that hope.

He hates himself because he can't work and he feels worthless, and it kinda brushes off on everyone else. I like when we have company because then he sort of pulls himself together and is civil. He wants to put a good face on it when there are outsiders around.

As a Christian wife, I've tried to work through the whole submission thing. I don't know how to do that with him. Or maybe with anybody. Is that a bad thing? I don't know. I don't believe it means submit to abuse. Not physical abuse, but verbal and emotional. Sometimes. How long do I turn the other cheek before I'm modeling victim behavior for my kids? What am I teaching them?

Isn't it a two-part thing? The wife submits, but the husband treats her as Christ treated the church. Cherish. Treasure. Respect. Humble himself for. Can it work if only one party works it?

Sometimes he is the sweetest man. He will think of me before he thinks of himself. He'll go out and start my car on snowy days, even when he's in pain. He never leaves the house without kissing me goodbye. He's the one who apologizes first and changes his attitude after an argument, even when I'm still so mad I could spit enough tacks to tarpaper a roof.

He's generous to a fault. He buys me little sweet nothings...flowers, a little bag of M&Ms, my favorite soda, or some little trinket that he thinks I want. He will wear rags before he sees me or the kids go without.

But then you have this flip side, when something triggers in him, and he goes into a FIT of rage. And it's usually over the most minor things. Car crash? No problem. All he says is, "Is everyone okay? It's just a car." House is hit by a tornado? "Well, that's what insurance is for."

But if the cat pukes on the floor, or he spills his coffee, look out! All hell lets loose. And if he even thinks someone is disrespecting him, God help that person.

I have to keep in mind that all these parts of him come together in the one person that is my husband. I can't have one without the other. And doesn't everyone have issues that drive their partner crazy? Don't most people get to the point in a relationship where they are just sick to death of the other person's issues?

I just need this place to be real, to be honest, to let God's light shine into the darkness that my life has become.

I'm so afraid that I'm going to turn into this crazy person because of what I'm going through. That when he dies, I'm going to be so used up that I just want to hibernate and have everyone leave me alone. I already feel like a social zombie. Parties and lots of people around weirds me out.

I want to live life with zest and vigor. I want to eat life, and savor every part of it. I don't want to die with regrets for the things I didn't do.