much whining was heard tonight

I don't even know where to start. It starts so far back, and now I'm in the middle of my life trying to make sense of where I am. The only thing I hope for now is that God is in control. I mean I should know it. But right now I hope it. I want to know it.

I feel directionless. I've spent the last ten years taking care of the man who has become my husband. He's handicapped, but it's not that he's helpless. He's just very demanding of my time. When I'm not working or running errands, I should be doing something with him. Period.

Now it seems like he's getting worse -- sicker, I mean. And I'm so used to dancing this tune that I'm afraid I won't know how to live on my own if something happens to him. I get so angry with him sometimes, and it's almost like I'm waiting for him to die so I can live again. But what if I'm too afraid? Or forget how to have fun? And what kind of a way to live life is that?

Everything revolves around him. He's moody, he's insecure, he's difficult, and he's definitely controlling. He's an ex-drinker, well, was an ex-drinker. He drinks again, only not to excess. But still, it makes me nervous, because I remember how bad it used to get when he did drink more. He quit, almost overnight. He didn't drink for years. But now he drinks because the pain is so bad.

He's the housebunny that I used to be. Only he gets out during the day even less than I used to. But now, I work every day, and when I'm not working, I like to veg out at home sometimes. He's the opposite. Evenings and weekends, he wants to go places and window shop, and I just want to stay home and putter.

I hate that this post is all about him because I'm the only one I can change. Yes, I have the "anon" lingo down, and I know the deal. I can only change myself. I know it, and I don't know if I'm willing to pay the price to fight it. It's sometimes easier to go along to get along.

I smile, and I say, "Oh, he's having a bad day." Or, "he means well, he's just in a lot of pain." Or I don't say anything at all...I don't acknowledge how bad it is. I just deal.

I could leave him, but how would it be to leave a cripple? He supported me when I needed it, but now when I don't need it anymore, I just dump him? I know there's more to it than that, but I feel a sense of loyalty somehow. I'm so confused. And I'm tired, so that is enough ranting for tonight.